Author Tiko

16.09.2020 15:50

What Being Constantly Anxious Feels Like


Illustration: Mariam Kanchaveli

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At the end of each day, you try to organize everything and plan that nothing will ruin your mood tomorrow, but then the next morning you wake up with anxiety. You’re anxious about doing something wrong at work and your boss getting angry, or about upsetting one of your friends, so you worry about it all in advance. You forget to eat and suddenly you also feel tired. You must have gotten enough sleep, but you’re still tired - you just want to lay in bed all day and watch your favorite TV show. As you leave home, you feel that your heartbeat is extremely fast and you try to explain to someone that you’re scared of something, that something is worrying you. But they blame it on “being too emotional” and make fun of you. The heartbeat grows even faster and now your palms are beginning to get sweaty as well.

You may run into somebody you know on your way to work, but you try to avoid them because you don’t know what to talk about. Or you start worrying about suddenly stuttering in the middle of the conversation, or mixing up words - what if then they make fun of you because of that? 

Sometimes, when you perceive even the smallest of problems as a big deal, you allow yourself to fall into a panic and you may even have a panic attack. You want to talk to somebody. You’re looking for a person who will understand, help and advise you about what to do. But the answer is usually the same : “You’re worrying about something silly”.

In the evening, once you got home, you may feel like everything is over and nothing will bother you anymore, but suddenly those thoughts are back with no apparent reason. In reality, the reason is remembering thousands of little things that happened throughout the day, trying to remember or understand what you did wrong. Did you do something unacceptable for your loved ones? You never have an answer, so you start to get anxious. You’re anxious about everything and everybody. Then this anxiety is followed not only by fast heartbeat and sweaty palms but also tears and later - insomnia.

Then your friends remember you at the wrong time - they want to invite you somewhere, go out for drinks with you because it’s been so long. You try your best to avoid going out because even simply interacting with people creates discomfort for you at such a time. Your friends don’t understand and think you’re just a boring person. The worst is still your own fear: “Did this person think I didn’t want to see them? Does that make me a bad friend?”

No matter how much you talk or look for people who help you get through the anxiety and irrational fears, you still can’t find anybody, because most people just don’t understand: they think you’re lying and don’t have any real problems.

But the truth is this: you don’t know what’s scaring you, what’s making you so anxious and panicky. So at some point you just stop talking about it, you keep it all inside and try not to let it show, not to bother others with your problems. You convince yourself that you can handle it all on your own. 

In reality, talking about all this is far from being a bad idea. Nothing bad will happen if you open up to somebody: say out loud what it is that’s bothering, what you’re afraid of, or see a professional and talk to them. Remember that you’re not alone and millions of people experience the same thing daily.



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